TZY

Tutorials are starting soon

2012-01-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

A few weeks into the second semester, and you can see that things are a little different from the first semester.
I wonder how this semester would go, hopefully not too bad.
Not much to blog about, other than the fact that school, friends or family are doing okay, so nothing exciting is or will be happening. Ha ha.
It's kind of weird to feel this way.
Am I too free? Or not studying hard enough? -.-

Something Special

2012-01-09T15:17:00.000+08:00

Counting with my fingers, I realized how much I have forgotten for my maths
Having to call people for help with doing simple maths is indeed very alarming
Economics, I need to really start praying and hope for some magic
Weird way of writing, I know.

Zebras are black and white
Horses are usually brown
Elephants have trunks
Nightingales can sing
Gorillas are big

Have I gone mad? I don't think so.
Anyway, I think this is the start of something special.
Not only will I do what I can, I will be the very best, that no one ever was (cue Pokemon song).

:)

A New Start

2012-01-07T00:39:00.003+08:00

One part of me might say: OMG. School's starting next week. I can't wait. Let's plan an awesome timetable, and join my awesome friends for tutorials and have an amazing semester. 13 weeks of awesomeness, studying away and using my awesome brain to think and learn and absorb those awesome knowledge. Just that my awesome vocab will still be limited to one word: awesome. :)

Another part of me might say: In the midst of everything, let's not forget to take time and enjoy. Semester 2, here I come.

Walls

2012-01-03T00:11:00.001+08:00

The first post of 2012.

I think, over the years, I have built up walls that are too high.

Walls that are so good at keep people out, and nobody gets in.

I spent so many hours doing nothing

Just wanting the day to come to an end

Just hoping for everything to disappear

But of course, lying on the bed for hours

Sleep never comes, troubles never go away

I don't know what can make me feel better

Morning comes, and I tell myself

It is time to get up

I know that the world is not sugary out there. I should know that it already starts with friends. I don't have bad friends. But the way we interact sometimes leaves me thinking. Over the years, friendships have been built and destroyed. Not say destroyed, but rather reformed into something else, different from before. Mahjong friends, hanging out to have fun friends, uni friends, friends who are there because they care friends and what not. I think the main issue here is not friends actually haha. Although the topic have been bothering me for quite some time.So let's start again. I don't know what you want. But it's definitely different from what I want. But why should I give in to you? I already felt quite miserable these few days. I think it's just me making myself feel this way. But I can't help it. It is most definitely stupid. Then again, I have learnt from this as well. No more of this from me. I shouldn't have to try so hard.

The Dark

2011-12-19T23:42:00.001+08:00

Is it that rain? Is it the impending results? I don't know. The very same room which I sat in for numerous times feels so foreign and cold today. I am early, but I avoid making small talk with any of the others. It's only been a while since I last saw them, but they were all strangers to me already. I told myself to join in since I was already here, but the topic of conversation just doesn't interest me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just walk away from this.Somebody spoke to me. I wake up from my day dreaming. Apparently I haven't realized that I have been putting on a black face thus far. So that's why nobody bothered to talk to me. But still, how do I control something I wasn't even aware of? Pushing myself once more, I sat though the two hour meeting but barely interacting at all. I was loss in thoughts when someone interrupted me again, "why am I so quiet today?"It's the time of the month, i said. Is it really? Am I anti-social? Somehow I just don't feel like being there anymore.

Dec 2011

2011-12-18T22:25:00.001+08:00

This is going to be a post with regards to nothing in general.

By Tuesday, when the results are released, this semester would have come to its end. It is fast, and no doubt future semesters are going only get more so, and even more furious. I am largely apprehensive about Tuesday, I am not sure what kind of results I will be getting back, and what kind of emotions will be flying around in my head then. Of course, results are just results. There are other things like my major, Chingay 2012, sociology society, the different kinds of nonsense that we do in school on a daily basis etc. Moving forward without any aim is so blindingly annoying. I think fixing this would be my number one resolution for the new year.

When you think back about this semester, the first thing that comes to my mind is that: did I really waste so many time and money going to so many orientation camps? This is kind of funny now, but maybe I didn't regret going, maybe I did. One thing for certain, the people I met there certainly are come from all walks of life, and coloured some part of my university experience thus far. Of course, we cant forget old friends, can't we? While new friendships were forged, some old ones did not burn as brightly as I hoped while others were surprisingly warm to the heart. Maintaining, improving, and always trying to be a better friend can be my second resolution.

I yearned for a time where I can sit by a river, or on a bridge, or on some hilltop, or in a cosy cafe, or under the starry sky, or on the rooftop, or where my imagination takes me, whether alone, or with someone or small groups of people. Life seemed to be passing to fast for me. I almost hate how time seem to fly by. Which results in how we only seem to be concerned about "the stuff that seemed to matters" and forget about the rest because you deemed them unimportant or not as important for now. Maybe this is the reason we go on holidays, but someday I might really consider migrating if I have the heart to leave my family behind to some forgotten place. Or maybe from time to time, I need that someone to talk to, to pour my heart out, and forget about all of life's troubles and just wonder how many stars are there in the sky. Resolution number 3?

After 21 years, I think I am mature enough to know that I have flaws and know that I have committed countless mistakes thus far. The aim here is that I should know what they are, learn from them and seek not to repeat them. I don't think if I set a Flaws for ZY Conference, I can get enough mature responses that actually count (but then, if you are reading this, you can help to contribute). Being indecisive, letting moods ruin the day, being insensitive, being lazy, being messy, procrastinating, among many others. As they put it, "chasing down all the demons and putting them to rest", I shall seek to a better person henceforth, and this shall be resolution number 4.

We are Young

2011-12-14T11:07:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5RvtLD0xI

Tonight, we are young. So let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun.

Life after finals

2011-11-28T01:01:00.001+08:00

Hey friends! My examinations has ended, and with that, I find life to suddenly come to a standstill.
Not that I have not been looking forward to this day, but somehow, playing games, going out, buying stuff, hanging out with friends doesn't appeal to me that much.
I know they will be enjoyable, and I will enjoy them when it comes, but something seems to be missing.
I wonder..

No, I am not finding the meaning to life.
But I think I want something more.

If you haven't seen this mash-up from Glee, then you will need to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb7zjKkLCoQ&ob=av2e

Powerpuff Girls

2011-11-23T23:56:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P8chaWkmrY

This does bring back lots of memories.
I remember watching this with my sisters many years ago.
So long ago, back in the days of Pokemon and other weird nonsense that filled our imagination.

Part 2 of Earlier Post

2011-11-22T22:21:00.001+08:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/occupy-wall-street-pepper-spray_b_1106535.html

Somehow I feel more affected by this then my examinations that are happening right now.
This feels strangely like the election in Singapore this year whereby there was a strong "smell" of injustice and the top brass not understanding how society at large feels.
It started with feeling sympathy for those students who dared to stood up and were consequently pepper sprayed.
It does seem that this political-social problem is very big and it might have the potential to blow up like how you normally read in novels.
How interesting.
How tragic.

Those Poor Students

2011-11-20T16:56:00.001+08:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/19/uc-davis-police-pepper-spray-students_n_1102728.html

I cant help but feel that:

1) Poor things, and if I am not wrong, they were protesting against violence used on protesters on another campus, UC Berkley last week.

2) The scary thing about the internet once again is how the video has went viral, along with full details of the cop who shot the spray and the chancellor of the university, who ordered the cops into the campus to clear the students off.

3) It will never happen in Singapore, for now. Ha Ha.

Keep calm and hang tough

2011-11-17T03:20:00.001+08:00

Such a lame caption, but kinda apt in examination times.
Somehow, i know when the results come back, and if I don't do well, it's alright.
I would be sad, but not that kind of sadness that is really hurtful.
Or is it that it just needs time to sink in lol :D

Theatre rehearsals overwhelming, and for the final presentation that I hoped we pulled it off.
It is really different from the other modules and wow, did I learn the most (not theatre stuff though) from this.
What's that word? New experiences? Growing up? Fighting with all sorts of bitchy people? Haha.
That picture on FB is quite gross, but it will encapsulate the memories for now.

Economics is practical.
Gosh, I should shoot myself for not having a passion.
Makes me feel like I may be wasting my time.
Not a good feeling...

Near end of Sem 1

2011-11-10T17:36:00.002+08:00

So I am supposed to studying for the finals. I strongly suspect I am in some state of denial now before I scramble and start some massive panic dance for before the examinations. I could video down and post on YouTube for you.

Since starting university, I have learnt two key things:
1) You don't know anything, you are dumb and there's a lot to learn, and you can never finish.
2) Sometimes, the harder it is, the more you learn out of it. Versus when it is easier, you don't get anything out of it. Does it apply only to studies? Ha ha.

Christmas is coming!
My favorite time of the year :)
I cant wait.

This was written a few days ago

2011-11-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

I am actually re-typing this because the web page crashed earlier. With curses and swears flying in all direction as well. But the main point of this point is that I can't sleep. And thoughts like taking people for granted has been flying in my head in all directions as well.

I realized how important my family was to me when my sister got into an accident when I was army. I realized how much I took them for granted when I lost them during army times. Only when it is no longer there, will I see how much I didn't appreciate it.

I mean the same goes for a lot of things elsewhere in my life. A certain someone whom I learnt much from but also messed up much. A group of certain people whom I missed out on knowing when I had the chance. Many chances to change things etc.

I am going to press post now. If this crash again, I will throw my iPhone out of the window.

*And it did fail, because ISO5 cant do blogger.

Stage

2011-10-11T22:16:00.001+08:00

I am glad I made the decision to join StAJeworks back then.
Not just the introduction to theatre, but also the friends I made (say NO to Geraldine) HAHA
And of course, how we have managed to stick together after so long.
Geraldine bullying me, me bullying Rachel, Dusty biting the rest and so on.

We should have a Christmas celebration during the holidays guys. :)

Us and Them

2011-10-07T22:41:00.001+08:00

There are some people you can click with better. I suppose you hang out with people whom you can communicate, or have fun with, unless you like hanging around people for specific motives then it is otherwise. You meet so many people in your life and most of them are really just there for the briefest amount of time, and you don't really concern yourself with them. It is just that group, those few people, the special selective few that you feel like you belong with them, or everyone belonged together. With others it is different, with them some might say: "you can be yourself". The nature of inclusion will obviously lead to exclusion, you cannot have Us without Them.

You will have different groups of Us, no doubt. The size and nature of relationships of Us will differ as well. And of course, Us is not static. That is why sometimes, it is so sad to see Us changing to Them. Or that there is so many Them and no Us. The many Us you have, do you wonder if they will still remain Us forever? Or why must it always be Us and Them and not All?

I Feel Dumb

2011-10-05T00:25:00.001+08:00

If this post is about how unsure I am about sociology, it should be 1 million words or even longer. Then again, it is frustrating to not know what is it that you are studying. If I were to go back to the problem of laziness and procrastination, I would be hitting the nail on the spot. But as much as I hit the nail so many times, I have yet to pluck it out. Of course, this post will not be about self denial and self attack. That is way too depressing.

Hence, today's post would be on... how university makes me feel stupid? Seriously, not that I am not humbled by how much I know I don't know or even understand. But the extent of what I don't get is way too alarming, it is just too big a gap until it is flashing red like a big fat alarm. On the bright side, I am back to watching TV serials to de-stress. Glee, Big Bang Theory, and this new series called Downton Abbey which is set many many years ago, think World War 1.

Hopefully I turn smarter soon.

Something about love

2011-09-28T01:53:00.002+08:00

When the blog is not updated, it usually means that my days are flying too fast.
Is being single really that tormenting?
It seems like love has be socially constructed to be romantic love and one must experience the fiery passions of romance, if not, one's life is not worth living.
I can almost hear somebody echoing the advantages of being single (spend less money, more free time, I think I should list more substantial support for this side. Ha ha) and of course the wonders of being in a relationship. (emotionally, physically, sexual LOL)
I shall summon some food for thought:
Fall in love. Many times. Make mistakes when you are young. After all, without the experience, how are you going to know which is the right one?
Just wait for the right one. Some things need time. Or fate. You cannot rush into relationships. Maybe you are not mature enough yet.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all.

Actually I should really be do my 25% tutorial. Good night.

Philosophy?

2011-09-15T23:30:00.001+08:00

If an all-knowing, all-powerful and benevolent god exists, why is there still suffering in the world?

Here's my answer, restricted to 200 words:

I would argue using Plantinga’s freewill argument: a world whereby freewill exists is more morally valuable than one where it doesn't, as the act of choosing to do good should outweigh the other act where one is forced to do good. I refer to moral evil, which is the suffering caused by the action or inaction of human beings. Beings with freewill can choose to do good or evil freely. If they choose to do evil and they are prevented from doing so, then it is not considered freewill at all. There is suffering now as some choose to commit evil. The argument is that God cannot create a world where freewill exists and people all choose not to do evil, or perhaps we have not advanced morally there yet. Hence, God has created a valuable world with freewill in exchange for suffering, for now.

The problem comes from it not addressing the problem of natural evil, which is the evil whereby suffering occurs from natural events like earthquake. We cannot say that nature has freewill and choose to do good or evil, or rather choose to have earthquakes or not. Thus, it only solves the problem of moral evils.

FOW2

2011-09-12T21:05:00.004+08:00

Since I sort of left my post hanging previously, I shall carry on from there.
Plus, its 25% of my grade, I should explore writing and ASK FOR FEEDBACK!
So please give as generously as you can.
:)

1. What demands does the performance of FOW put on to the audience?

At the beginning and at the end of FOW, the audience have to believe that everything that was happening was real, that it was not part of the play itself. If not, the "magic" was lost. The audience will not be left with the same experience as one who went through the play not knowing anything.

For example, the audience came with the pretext of knowing that the playwright hasn't written a play in ten years and this play should be quite special. Right from the start, the audience was playfully teased that the play might be potentially extreme; it is what the playwright wanted to write but was afraid of writing. We were told that the play was cancelled as too many revisions was made, it was now changed to a private party, complete with food and disco ball. This was in context that MDA has to approved a play before they can stage it in Singapore. All the money given would be treated as a donation and they even stamped us like going to Zouk like that. Somebody even asked if this was illegal and would we, as audience, be implicated in this? The answer was no, complete with another example a few years back that was done similarly was well. So after all the hype, we entered the area!

2. What was your experience as an audience member in FOW? Was it a difficult experience? Discuss with examples.

The seating area wasn't the normal kind. We could sit anywhere we wanted. This meant that the actors frequently would be frolicking among the audience and you could be turn your head in every single directions the whole play to capture everything. Well, the play started with quite a few stories intertwining with each other. I would say that there wasn't one main character but many different ones portrayed. Some of the stories that stood out were: a writer that wanted to write about Chee Soon Juan but was too afraid of the consequences, his fellow academic who advised him to write about LKY, the musical instead. The funny parts were how they said they have to use initials which cannot stand for the real thing, but everybody will know anyway and writing about the earlier person would be too provocative. And then there was this Singaporean, who I supposed just represented a normal working Singaporean, who met Chee Soon Juan who was selling his books and their interactions. And of course, there was the sarcastic news caster who spewed political sarcasm like no tomorrow.

Other than that, there was also times where the actors seemed to meld into "voices" just saying the same lines over and over again, as if to create a haunting effect on the audience. This occurred often with lines that potentially had the most impact. For example, they started talking about a faint smell that only they could smell, just barely there, and nobody else seemed to be doing anything about it, and it was disturbing to them. It was difficult in a sense that the actors keep shifting in the space and their characters were always changing. It sort of created a dynamic play whereby, they play many roles and nobody is what they seemed.

However, about 3/4 into the play, because it just seemed to be this and nothing new, I kinda got a bit bored and wondered if there was anything more to this. Perhaps this was the intended meaning, since the play got interrupted then. The MDA came in, and stopped the whole play. The actors break out of their character and had to handle them. Due to potentially politically dangerous material, they were not allowed to continue with the play. Shout here, shout there. The personnel wanted to round everybody up since by participated in the show, we were all implicated and they wanted our details. Nobody went actually. The policemen got involved to ensure order and some members of the audience started questioning the personnel. Even one Auntie took out her phone and started filming the whole process (she was asked to hand over the material though). And to continue the drama, they continued to ask people to go to write down their information. Just when it seems a fight was about to break out, the lights went off, and the play concluded. Everyone clapped. (P.S all the members of the audience who had interacted with the cast were all planted members, including the one in the beginning who asked if this was illegal)

3. Martin Esslin writes, “… it is the spectator’s imagination that produces the final effect, the ultimate meaning, if indeed meaning is to be the end of the experience, rather than mere idle entertainment” (134) Evaluate this statement with reference to your experience as an audience member in FOW.

So yea, in my mind, I was like thinking, oh man, how am I going to critique this? The End.

FOW

2011-09-09T01:13:00.000+08:00

FOW is a play I watch for my module.
I don't wish to use the exact name of the play or the module because I don't wish for it to link from Google or something.

Anyway, the essay that I need to write about this play will constitute 25% of the marks for the module.
Oh my god, isn't that exciting?

So yea, I want to capture down some lingering thoughts before everything goes to waste.
I thought the FOW was good, it has been a long time since I watched such a play.
First, the play starts without you knowing that it has started, and starts to draw you in slowly. (pardon the many starts)
And when you least expects it, the whole carpet is pulled from below and surprise! Although it can fail at times, and the whole scenario is hard to pull off, but one really does marvel at the thought that goes into it.

I like the idea of a play within a play within a play (maybe there was only 2) or the fact that the actors were playing themselves at the same time. Oh shit too tired. Carry on tmr. -.-

Operation Brand New Start

2011-09-05T23:19:00.002+08:00

OBNS sounds stupid but it will work for now.
I guess there's no point to keep dwelling on something negative.
Positivism should be key here.
Whatever happened to Embracing Life lol.
Come on, lets kick off to a amazing start.

Increasingly, I find that StAJe is having more activities as a group now and I like it. Not necessary everyone was there, although for important events we try to come together as a whole. Like birthdays. I like how despite going different universities, courses, timetables, and such. Some may have their stuff to do at times, but I am just glad that the ties that tie us are there. Sorry for the multiple times I have been late, glad for the crappy shit that you guys continue to take from me, and of course, all the fun times.

Weeks that fly by fast

2011-09-05T00:49:00.000+08:00

Finding myself within this chaotic mess.

A Rant

2011-08-28T17:45:00.001+08:00

I am starting to doubt myself. To quote Yi Xuan, "my ability to keep friends by my side'. And of course, university is a period of change. But to carry all these doubts with me during this time, it is tiring and heavy. Sometimes, I wish I can throw away the whole bag. But without the bag, without my past, I might just be giving up too much. After going through the whole saga with him and now you, I really just want to run away somewhere and drop everything now.

And between all that, who cares about studies? Lol.

21st Aug

2011-08-21T23:59:00.001+08:00

I cannot be trusted to make use of my time productively if I have a lot of it.
It is those times where I should sit down and ask myself what I want now.
I want a mooncake. I think.

Angry as Angry Birds

2011-08-14T01:36:00.000+08:00

Why am I so angry?
To be a more peaceful person, more in control of my feelings and not losing it, that has been a goal sometime ago.
But to tune out my feelings, my emotions, than what am I living for? To be a dull and unfeeling person doesn't seem to be how I wish to express myself.
Same thing I ask myself when I am sad.
Perhaps it is better to feel such emotions, to experience the highs and lows, so that you can differentiate, and perhaps treasure the positive experiences and revel in them while they last.

Okay. I calmed down somewhat while typing this.
But I also came to the conclusion perhaps I know why I am angry, I am just unwilling to accept it.
And here I thought my teenage angst years were supposed to be over.
University education better provide me with the answers I am seeking. :/

Where I Belong

2011-08-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

at times like this, i wonder if i truly belonged?

Spicy

2011-08-07T23:41:00.002+08:00

Hello Spicy, just write to thank you guys for being so awesomely Special. Even though what I wrote on the cards was Short, Sweet and Simple, and i didn't write for the arts camp people/Seniors, I want to Say Something here.

Thank you for Supporting and Sharing with Spicy all the way during o week, even though most of you were Short, Shameless, Slutty, Sadistic and Scary, but without you Sexy people being Super high, Supremely enthu, filled with So much Soul, being Somewhat Skinny, and Secretly likes the ita ita yamatae cheer, our og will not be as fun and amazing.

Of course, the more important point is that when are we meeting up? I want mahjong and bridge and anything actually, K-box also can. :D I also love Sushi and Sashimi. Ha ha.

S in my heart. -.-
Take care ya? And See you around in School.

I am going to be a student again!

2011-07-27T01:43:00.001+08:00

I must say that I am quite excited to get back to school again.
Although I don't quite know what modules to take, I believe some how, some solution with present itself -.-
But that's not the important thing here, actually what is?

Goal No.1: I will not drop out of NUS.
:)

21

2011-07-22T23:36:00.001+08:00

And then I am 21, so old and yet the world is as scary, if not scarier.
It was indeed an interesting experience at MBS, but maybe i do really prefer smaller gatherings. -.-
Of course, this magical July hasn't ended, and I am hoping that with all the magic, I will emerge the older and wiser ZY.

Let's hope there is a spell for that.
Harry Potter was disappointing, i was expecting the last movie to really go all out, but other than destroy their set, the final battle was so... not high. Lol.
Let's hope I grow taller as well :D

After a while, I sort of realize what I was afraid of all these while. Why I keep pushing myself to be independent and to survive on my own. I am not saying that I can or I have succeeded, but all these stemmed from the thoughts that perhaps I would lose you guys. Perhaps one day, you will be gone and I will be all alone. As much as I tell myself that it is just another phrase like jc or army, I can't being myself to see past this issue. Of course I trust that the readers of this blog will not use this to torture me but instead help me. Then again, I hope my fears are unfounded. L

One Waiting Call, You really SUCK

2011-07-19T01:49:00.000+08:00

Honestly, you really suck.
But then again, at least i know what my thoughts are at this point in time.
And I am glad that perhaps, maybe I have grown a bit over the past year.
At least, now, I am wiser.

Sushi Tei Rocks

2011-07-13T23:39:00.001+08:00

Thanks old friend.
I don't know what I will do without you lol.
:)

Lost

2011-07-12T23:37:00.000+08:00

I am rather lost. Lost by how JC-ish I feels, when I see the difference in sophistication and maturity around me. I look at the people around me, not just from university camps but those who have been around me for many years.

I am rather lost as to explain how lost I am or why am I lost as well. It seems that I am just this poor little dumb boy who wakes up, and finds himself still quite poor, little and dumb.

Lost as to why I keep running in circles where I know the questions will always be the same, and the answers will only be disappointing. Why I keep running away, despite knowing I will trip and fall no matter where I go.

I promised myself that I will stop running away, to turn around and face my shadows. Someone once said: It is much harder to take a step backwards, than to take a step forwards. I don't even know if I am stepping forward or backwards.

I hate myself.
Well, only when it's dark and I am all alone with myself anyway.

Soci Camp Rocks

2011-07-11T00:18:00.000+08:00

I am glad I went for Soci Camp indeed haha.
Even though I went there with half an ulterior motive, in the end, it turned out to be not bad.
Smaller camps are more my style I think.
Met nice people :)
Including two girls who are SPH scholars, talked to them, and realized that I really missed out my chance this year.
I am going to try next year. This I promise myself. It is time to stop running away.

24 Hours Writing was so tired lol, after the camp
I felt that it wasn't as polished as I would want it to be.
Sigh.
Haha.

Onward July!

Meeting up with an old friend again

2011-07-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

And ended walking around MacRitchie Reservoir where all the army memories came flooding back (shudders) and where I felt zen with nature for once.

We spoke about some particular cans of worms of ours, and I wanted to start opening some by end of July.
Because, the longer I drag, the more shitty it can only become.

1) I want to do this again, just not so soon. Anybody interested to accompany me? :)
2) I will slowly work up the courage to ... open the cans D:
3) I am going to sociology to push myself. And for other ulterior motives -.-
4) July is indeed a busy month.

Random Note: People, lets go out in groups of 4 to eat Tung Lok Buffet :)

Meeting an old friend

2011-07-02T01:20:00.000+08:00

Sushi Tei meal number 1: 20% wins hands down
That was the happy part

And the talk afterwards opened a can of worms
Don't know why army was brought up and all the memories of the dark 2 years washed over me
I thought I buried everything but I guessed buried memories also can come back like zombies -.-
One day, I have to get to over it.
I have to face it.
Until then, I will keep on moving.

Random Note: A can of worms: A complex, troublesome situation

Freshmen

2011-07-01T01:48:00.001+08:00

I supposed my blog post are supposed to get more mature as i grow older.
I mean honestly, i believe i am more mature from a few years ago, having gone through a bit of everything haha.

I dont think I will post all the pretty and unpretty details but I must say this since I am turning 21 soon and supposedly wiser.
I love my friends, although I never say it out loud before.
Some things people just don't say don't they?
I wonder at the end of the day, if it is worth it.
This silence...

But to all my friends now, i wouldn't put it as:
Since you have tolerated me for so long, it wouldn't hurt to continue tolerating me :)
But instead:
Thank you for being at my side. I must thank all my lucky stars and it's been a pleasure to know each and everyone of you.
No, i am not jumping down anytime soon.
Unless my GPA is below 4.0 haha, just joking.

But this post doesn't sound as sincere as I hoped it would be though.
But still, THANK YOU.

Random note: Playing mahjong with YX today brought me the memory of this song:

Toy-Box - The Sailor-Song ~ Oh how many years ago :)

I will survive!

2011-06-28T21:01:00.000+08:00

Somehow, with studies soon to be descending down upon me, along with the panic attacks and god knows every single nonsense that attacks the too-free mind of mine, i realize that i really only left 1 month to go before uni life will start and I ... not sure what will happen.

but oh well, just enjoy it and go broke happily :D

random thought: i will work hard to get a well paying job so that i can afford a maid to take care of my parents. -.-

June is almost over

2011-06-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

Taiwan was a blast - thank you YX & Mums
Arts camp was dirty, sleepy and hungry - thank you all for the effort & sacrifice

Somehow, after going through these recent events, i feel more disappointed with myself.

Friends

2011-05-30T02:33:00.000+08:00

Friends argue because they care about you.
Either something needs to be resolved, or somebody needs to change or it is time to let everyone how you feel.
D:
Or you can just shoot back that You Were Born This Way. Haha.
:D

I want to tie you up in my shoes

2011-05-21T23:01:00.001+08:00

Is it really that you dont understand, simply because you cannot relate or you cannot see my reality or you will never really experience despite how many times you say that you understand?

then again, i am biased.
because how i can say that i know you or understand you?

not because i known you for 7/5/3 years
not because i meet you every other week/month/few months
not because you are on the favourites of my phone contacts
not because you stay in AMK/nearby/or even in Jurong
not because you stay in the same house as me

I left my job at Starhub.
Time to go crazy for 2 months.
:)

Different but same

2011-05-12T22:36:00.000+08:00

We are from AMK, been living here for quite some time. But we couldn't be any more different. Or more similar. Haha.

Why so hot?

2011-05-11T13:04:00.000+08:00

It is really very hot in Singapore nowadays. I think it's time to strip and do some soul searching. ^_^

You are not, but I am.

2011-05-02T03:19:00.000+08:00

I am not sure if I will regret putting this online. But then again, oh what the hell. It is not like I am going to run for elections next time. And even if I do, there is nothing wrong with this. Then, why am I so scared? Lol.

Was reading a story from Catherine Lim, a Singapore author, one of her many stories from The lies that build a marriage. Those stories were uniquely Singapore and thus resonates well. One that particular stuck a cord was The morning after. My sister told me it was made into a short film and shown on arts central. And she watched it with my parents. I wondered what was going through their heads.

And then I watched Glee with them tonight. Not their kind of thing, but I guess I wanted to see their reaction to some of the content shown on the tv drama. Not good, nothing bad. I guess we will just have to see how it goes then.

I am feeling not low, just lonely.
Do you understand how I feel?

Unicorns

2011-04-29T23:20:00.000+08:00

I hate unicorns. They are not real and thus they suck. But they are the very image of all things good and cute. Who wouldn't want a unicorn for a pet? But just like the pegasus or even the mystical dragons, they are not real and they never will be. And I have all but given hope of having one.

Born this way

2011-04-28T01:25:00.000+08:00

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

Les Miserables

2011-04-26T00:49:00.000+08:00

This is so confusing.
But it makes work more interesting.
And it is time to quit my job.
Anbody who got odd jobs to recommend?

Days of our lives

2011-04-15T19:02:00.003+08:00

Upset. What a lousy feeling. I seemed to high susceptible to being depressed. God knows why I like to be miserable. 3 cases happened today and together they totally worked hand in hand to "make" my day.

The first one was trivial, to be honest. It wasn't my fault. And it could be viewed as a good lesson o learn from. The previous agent didnt read case history properly. Luckily, nothing happened and all was well in the end. However, being blamed for something I didn't do stinks. And that was just the beginning.

The other two shook me to the core. Am I being too easy to be preyed on? I want to provide good customer service but sometimes, when people see how easy they can bully you, they tend to take advantage to gain more for themselves. In the end, I suffer for nothing. Not that they care or me getting better at handling them or anything. Or is it because I can't handle them well. To be firm, but yet radiating customer care like nuclear reactors and radiation. To be in control instead of being lead by the nose by the customer. True, it's what they want, but we are the ones who know the system and how to work with it, or around it.

Sometimes, I wish I either look and sound more domineering, fierce, commanding or mature. I supposed for a call centre, sound would do fine. I want to not just be fast and efficient. I want to be in control. And not die a lonely old man, full of regrets? (inception) Lol.

Omg my friend just asked me to go Korea?

2011-04-14T00:45:00.001+08:00

Should I? Should I? Omg..
~.~

Once in a lifetime experience

2011-04-14T00:03:00.000+08:00

I was teaching my mum about buying a new phone through the Starhub website.
Apparently, she can re-contract now and get a new phone now. But she does'nt know anything about it; I can't complain though, I would be the same if I wasn't working at Starhub.

A few things to say:
1) The Starhub website sucks, it is totally not user friendly and even I, who work at Starhub have trouble using it.
2) I spent a few hours from convincing to explaining to persuading to more explaining the whole process o.o
(Somebody will call her back regarding her online purchase, I wrote a script for her on what to ask and what to say. Imagine my mum taking out the piece of paper and start reading from it when the person call her)
3) And I wasn't even trying to get her to exploit the system. Which by the way, I hate people who does that. Is there a need to be so cheapskate? As in, really go to the extreme just to get what you want...
4) But still, we must learn more about everything. Know it in details and depth. To know what you need to do etc but there is just too many things in this whole wide world. Sigh. Madness. Why so complicated? Just go live in a remote village in Africa :)

Cute right?

2011-04-11T00:14:00.003+08:00

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhbe30qOV51qhy6c9o1_400.gif

At work

2011-04-08T12:49:00.000+08:00

I feel like switching to tumblr...

Round tables

2011-04-08T01:03:00.000+08:00

Ever sat down at a table where you feel that you don't belong?
Ever felt that sometimes when is it going to: 1) end. 2) be my turn. 3) stop being unfair.
Ever felt so alone before in a room full of strangers, and everybody is just passing you by?
A round table full of strangers, or a roubd table with one stranger...

A week of Japanese food therapy left me broke, but not healed.
I guess it doesn't work this way...

I dont want to be there when it happens. I just want to disappear.

Tweet lol

2011-04-05T23:49:00.002+08:00

I am just glad to be called a bestie haha

April's blues

2011-04-05T11:04:00.001+08:00

It's one of those weeks where I just feel miserable. Utterly miserable, and isolated from the rest of the world. Words are just words but why do they hurt so much sometimes. I can't run away, I have to stay and face them. Maybe the whole thing will turn out not as big as I make it out to be after a while. Think happy thoughts lol.

They say if you go through ns, you are supposedly more mature. I don't think so in my case though. Did something go wrong? Haha.

Work's getting busier. No time to slack already. I realized I don't really like the cooped p cubicles office like environment in a call centre. Don't get me wrong, talking to nice customers is a joy, but we aren't really to go talk to other people unless it's break time or important. It feels so impersonal sometimes.

I want to start making a birthday list soon lol. Yes, it's my birthday and I am the most important person for the occasion and you all will bow down to me -.-

It's 1234 am and I...

2011-03-20T17:16:00.002+08:00

And I want to write down some stuff before they get loss in the abyss of memories.

During a dinner, where Ai was on TV as usual, there was this sad scene where a mother refuses to accept her prospective daughter-in-law because 1) she is a divorcee 2) she is infertile 3)there will be a child tagging along with her. Something along the line of not being able to continue the family line and letting down all the ancestors. At this part, I turned to my sister and asked:" Do you think out parents would be as old fashioned?" She was undecided. So, we turned and asked our parents and my dad replied proudly:" Of course I am! Next time, must visit every Chinese new year... First day is the male relative side... Etc etc." Obviously, we weren't asking about that but oh well lol. We turned to my mum, who was like :"yea yea yea... Don't disturb me la, I want to watch Ai." The next day, my sister SMSed me that she thought that our dad would be the more old fashioned one. I think I agree with her...

There was this other time whereby my sisters and I, along with my cousin went shopping. (we were utterly devastated that the trade-in promotion for Levi's jeans has ended.) So we just walked along Orchard, one mall after another. There was this one time where I was in another shop and they were somewhere else. My younger sister wanted to visit the loo and nobody wanted to accompany her. My other sister was like: "Xin Yun, you bring her go, I go find Zhen Yang."
My cousin was like: "no? Why don't you bring her go? Just because you are older doesn't mean I need to listen to you. " my younger sister was like: " I go myself la, nobody need to bring me go la" an she stomp off. It was an amusing story indeed when I asked when her face so black one.

It's 1234 am and I wonder if next time, there will still be stories like this or will they be replace by something more unpleasant haha.

And no, I will not type that it's 1234 am and I am thinking of you. D:

Happy days are here again

2011-03-15T01:16:00.001+08:00

On some days, I feel like telling you that I am probably going to disturb the stability of this home but I cant.
On some days, I feel like telling you that you matter, and it is just that I have a bad memory, too little time, or other excuses, but I never did.
On some days, I feel like telling you guys that I love our outings and the time we spent together, but I guessed you probably know.
On some days, I feel like telling you that you make me so confused but I never will.
On some days, I feel like telling you to stop doing all these nonsense, because it will only serves to drive us further apart, but I don't have the courage.
On other days, I would ask you to stop thinking so much, just live and be happy.

:)

I am ... .

2011-02-28T23:19:00.002+08:00

I can stop it.
There is no point in this, sooner or later something is going to give.
Listen to logic, listen to rational thoughts and stop living your illusions.

I think it is just a small matter but one that might potentially drive things out of hand.
Nonetheless, it is time to find my place in this world, since this might just what I need to get use to, haha.
I miss ... .

I am not here.

2011-02-27T01:03:00.000+08:00

and i must say, i am a truly a selfish person
but if i dare to hope, i try and hope i succeed
for you out there are worth trying for

but sometimes i feel so tired
or if not trying is actually easier
so please, forgive me every once in a while

other than that, it is time to plan my birthday present list
:D

I didnt get to go see Taylor Swift live. i hate my sister.

2011-02-10T00:25:00.002+08:00

So in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I stumbled upon this game American McGee's Alice which was a pretty wicked game in my opinion. It is basically a reimagining of the Alice in Wonderland, a dark fantasy of the adventure? A brief sum-up of the game is as follows:

Alice's house is burned down by an accidental fire, killing her family, and leaving her as the only survivor. As time progresses Alice loses touch with reality. She is institutionalized in Rutledge Asylum, where she is observed and treated by Dr. Heironymous Wilson. Alice's only possession in Rutledge is a stuffed rabbit. Ten years after Alice was committed to Rutledge, she finds herself sucked back into a Wonderland that has been twisted by her own broken mind.

I always love such things whereby you can call it artistically morbid, interestingly dark but captivating in its own ways. Apparently the game is coming back for a sequel and its fans are nothing short of crazy over it. They have made their fan videos and it is rather weird but vague interesting at the same time i suppose.

Does this fall under a similar category like all the countless zombies shows out there? Maybe... Resident Evil was fun at the beginning but it turned into some boring stuff after a while sadly. Silent Hill looks promising but i haven't played any of the games fully though. Or movies like Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street that was not bad, but the person i watched with was totally not enjoying the gore/horror lol.

I am tempted to type maybe about some warped thoughts about my life here but i shall not. Then again, this is not the post for it haha. We may not be going Taiwan, but there's still so many things that is going happen this year. And that doesnt include celebrating every single day in the month of July. So, i shall continue to ... dream about valentine's day?

CNY is going to get awkward in a few years time :)

2011-02-04T20:01:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY :)

At work again

2011-02-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

I guess there's no where else to type this and here it shall go.
So you two smsed me at such at nice time, where i super not in control of my emotions due to this particular customer. Whereby i had to resort to typing that he's a cheapskate inside the system, and ruined whatever chances i had of having a smooth conversation with him in my life. I broke all the rules that i can ever break for customer service haha. And yes, it resulted in that sms being sent out which i cant take it back. But i can say i am sorry here.
Sorry for being such a coward to say it on the blog and not to your face :(

At work

2011-01-28T17:12:00.001+08:00

I am working now, and I am bored to death.
I not quite sure what to write on from here. This post shall just consist of random ramblings from the back of mind. I am working for now, but I still feel so lost. Lost about my future, lost about who I want to be. I realized after so many years, its really rare to find people who cares about you. Some people do come and go, and others either fill you up with regret or sadness or anger or some weird combination or you just feel nothing. I try and I try but I still cannot figure out the way. Life is meant to be hard so that you can think and go through your aversity and emerged stronger or you can just sail along nothing doing much but nothing much happens as well, unless some other factors come into play I suppose. I feel lazy sometimes. I try to do what I can sometimes.

Someday

2011-01-25T21:22:00.000+08:00

Someday, i would look back and realised that

1) life is beautiful
2) whatever i am going through now is worth it
3) people change and we need to accept that
4) appreciate the moment because it doesn't last
5) i should have tried this, or that, or harder, or another way

then again, it doesn't matter anymore

I love sashimi, just so you know

2011-01-22T00:45:00.002+08:00

If I ever do have a birthday party, there will be nothing but sashimi on the table :)

2011

2011-01-01T20:11:00.001+08:00

The motivation that drives you to do things, the passion in you that fires you up, I have always saw that in other indivuals but not myself. I always questioned myself: where's my hunger, where is the resolution that others seem to be summoning out of nothing. It cannot that just because you had a tough childhood or you gone through some life changing event that gives you a whole new perspective. Like putting yourself through the fire to make yourself stronger. I don't really accept it. Like I mentioned previously, the past years have been marred by seeking the easy way out. So now I saw the folly of it and I want to change. That toally sounds stupid to me haha. But then again, let's try to fulfill this change first before thinking about anything else.

2010

2011-01-01T00:38:00.002+08:00

As 2010 comes to an end, I wonder if let's say I really could gave more, gave more effort to make things more successful. I should really stop looking for the easy way out, nothing but the best is good enough for me. That will be the 2011 resolution. And I want to honor it.

Belated Christmas

2010-12-29T20:49:00.001+08:00

The few simple words that were uttered never carried as much meaning before. Maybe it was goodbye, or it was closure but whatever it was, it was nice nonetheless. The hesitation must have been tough. But who knows, maybe it existed on both sides and maybe in the end we are just too similar. What I know is I was watching a movie with a heavy heart once, and now I dont know anymore. Take care.

Goodbye

2010-12-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

They say at times tears come along, but you don't know why you are crying. Other times, you don't wish to show your tears but they just cant stop coming. Either way is sad, and we have all experienced both at some point in our lives. Hopefuly that was the final parting of ways and from now on, our paths shall never cross one another again. Here's to a new year, and a start.

My life as of now.

2010-12-26T22:42:00.001+08:00

For all those who don't know, or don't care to know, I have a PS3, cable TV and an iphone now. But somehow, I don't use them as much as I thought I would have. Not getting my money worth perhaps haha, but somehow with work and going out with friends and resting, the time seems to be slipping away like sand through fingers. But being busy is good, being busy makes time pass away faster. Days goes by and another month has passed, soon it will be a new year.

Peacock?

2010-11-22T02:17:00.000+08:00

omg. katy perry's new song peacock is hilarious.

a conversation with celest.

2010-11-20T01:07:00.005+08:00

Celest says:

eh, what is ur perception of the elderly in singapore: how would u ans this question?

t zy says:

hmmm, the uneducated ones are old stubborn and annoying. but thats very bad of me lol, the educated ones are trying to contribute to society with the retirement age so high but maybe perceptions are against them

t zy says:

of course there are ouur lovely old grandmothers who stay at home to take care of us

Celest says:

yeah ok so u think they are annoyin

why u so funny and rude at the same time one, can i post this on fb?

t zy says:

omg no i might die lol. only the uneducated ones but they served as singapore labourers to bring us into this age so i shouldnt be so bad. haha

Celest says:

haha labourers

t zy says:

omg i am so bad lol

Celest says:

is it a fair statement to say they are generally gloomy?

t zy says:

those who have nothing to live for i suppose, those without family to support them,

Celest says:

those with family also gloomy lor like my grandma

t zy says:

sure bo.

Celest says:

sure la

t zy says:

at least she has u guys to live for.

Celest says:

she always scold ppl and look so gloomy one

t zy says:

maybe its their way of communication, they dunno how to talk to us. thus they scold us in their own way to talk to us

Celest says:

haha true

ur views on old ppl rly make me lol u know

I don't know what I am typing already.

2010-11-08T17:56:00.001+08:00

God, that marked the end of the two years of my life in NS.
Getting that pink IC at the airport felt weird. Not that I didn't want it. Or not that I wanted to stay on either.
It just felt different. You would have thought that civilian life was the one thing to die for after everything, haha.

It is. The freedom, the freedom, and everything that had to come with a price in army that is now free. But the picture that I have returned to isn't as rosy as I would like. Do the problems seem to grow in complexity or is it because we grow and we change, but we also bring along the nasty bits of us along? Deep down inside, we are still the same, carrying the same insecurities and fears.

Of course, that might just be utterly nonsensical thinking. Life is full of hope. One door closes, another opens. It is. Life is full of opportunities if you choose to live it. There's so many things to be done that one doesn't know where and when to start.

I don't know what I am typing already.
No point typing other nonsense.
Omg. I am going crazy.

The only exception

2010-10-15T01:20:00.000+08:00

As I fly off tomorrow, i will be in Australia for 3 weeks. Its a long period of time.

First up, Mr. Ng Poh Choon. This is definitely not the first time we quarrelled, nor will it be the last I think. Yes, I admit that I have a hand in how the events played out. Still, there are some things I would like to point out to you. And I would like to be honest, and you as well. Finish this, and lets move on. And happy days are here again.

I am OK with you disagree with some of my views or choices. We all have different opinions anyway. I would rather you voice them out straight away though. I might need some time to be used to the way you voice out what you think. But i don't mind. What I cannot stand is how you always want to bear everything to yourself. If you can do that, and don't say anything at all, you are causing yourself to suffer. Which is bad. But that's not what I want to say here. Afterwards, you will have some sarcastic comments about how you would have done so and so better, or your choice was better etc. If you don't like it, say so in the first place. Don't do already, then come and comment. I seriously do not like it. I don't need to give up everything and be a martyr. I don't need a saint, I need a friend. Friends don't let friends do stupid stuff. Nor do they give sarcastic remarks over and over again. You got something, just say it. I will listen.

My part. I was wrong and too rash for just walking off like that. I should have stayed at least. Or find a chance during the two days to talk about it. And not let it linger. Also, when I get angry, I really get angry and show attitude. Thus the words you used really set me off, and nothing else mattered anymore then. Sorry for causing a wonderful holiday to sour like that. It really gave a weird atmosphere and ruined the rest of the holiday. If there was a chance, I would wish to talk things out. Before, during, after.

Jezabel said to me that people argue, and then they reconcile, whereby if settled properly, people will grow closer. Although I have yet to argue with Jezabel (lol), I hope this applies to me and you as well. Not that I enjoy fighting with you, but if it can help resolves our issues, then there's still some hope. There, i said my piece.

As I fly off on the plane tomorrow, I will miss you guys. Everyone of you all. Lol.
So please take care people, and see you when I am back. :)

Fly away

2010-10-05T00:57:00.000+08:00

And never return?
I would be sad, lol.
Cant see Jezabel, Celest (add-on more like a facebook updates)

So yea, i come back safely.
Just to torture them more. :D

Time to set goals for myself and achieve them.
A leaf from somebody's book. Haha.

Pieces.

2010-10-04T00:46:00.000+08:00

A lot of uncertainty is happening.
Which i guess all this has it roots in my ability to detach everything from reality.
All the bad things that i don't like, i can just pretend that they don't exist, or in a lesser intensity etc.

Something like a delete button, or erase history function.
They say life has its way of pushing you, to make you learn lessons even if you cant see it.
If you don't learn it the first time, it will just keep coming back in various forms.

But those buttons are faulty.
If I can forget completely, then...
Since I cant, then i would need something else.

Black & White = Gray

2010-09-20T22:36:00.001+08:00

Hi Celest.
You Sux.
Happy 21st.

i had fun. the others should have fun too ba. it seemed that all the elements in your life came together for that one night, that one special night. but pls, let us sleep and rest and so that the actual day can be put to use instead of people dying left right centre. no matter what, just remember, there's nothing holding you back except one thing. Gravity. :)

If there's something that i can change about me, then it would be that issue that has been with me for this past few years. It's like a dark cloud, a stigma, a shadow in my life. Haha. And no doubt, it has had its effects. One would say that i am running in a circle. No matter where i run or how fast i run, i will not escape my situation unless i change my 'route'. After whatever that has happened so far, my route still appear quite unclear and uncharted. But of course, the small tiny changes that has effected so far are quite liberaling.

i can be more myself and that is nice.
and i must thank celest and poh choon for that.

Nothing in Particular

2010-09-05T19:38:00.001+08:00

For Jezabel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4Dk9eQIeiY

For Celest, since you loved this guy in Inception: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2seAJsrtIbQ

From HanWei: He just got a new Nikon Camera!

From Step-up 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPwZWgV8xeA

Oh my, two more months to the end of my current life.
Oh, i cant wait. :D

I need a job, anybody can recommend? Anything also can, haha.
Just 60 more days to go...

Friends

2010-08-07T01:20:00.000+08:00

What have we have after all this while?
Maybe that's the reason I blanked out. I admit things from the start wasn't right. But still, to have walked so much and covered so little, it is kinda sad.
I am disappointed. But I supposed maybe I just didnt like reality pointed out to me and ran away from the truth yet again.
In the end, I supposed it is a lesson. Hopefully, not everytime it will be like this.

A Story.

2010-07-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

Once a upon a time, there lived a little cute girl called Jezabella.

She had two step-brothers who were as cute as her.

She wanted to go to a ball but couldnt. Her father was out there somewhere, always drinking.

So she cried and she cried, until her crazy god-mother appeared.

She waved her scarf and like magic, they were at the ball.With Jezabella busy drooling at the ice-cream.

(It sux that Junhong and Jezabella does not have a photo that is only the both of them.)
And them Jezabella was happy eating ice-cream at the ball, with the ice-cream man!

Another Limbo

2010-05-31T23:10:00.000+08:00

Well. Things are not happening the way that I would have dream of, but at least something is happening. On those random moments, i would think of the past. (No, not stealing Han Wei's i-pod with Yan Zhi) Just 5 months more to go only, and I would be free.

And still in some kind of limbo.
I apologize for letting things come to this state.
I thank you people for putting up with me.
I hope I am not using you.

Off to sing Alone by Celine Dion. -_-

Untitled

2010-05-05T23:17:00.001+08:00

Suddenly you find yourself with the time you never thought you had. Time to think (it just gets worse at times ha ha), time to talk (and realized how much you actually missed out on those times), and a lot of other stuff. Why did things happen the way they did? If the clock turned backwards now, would we have done the things we did, knowing how things will end up this way. I keep hoping for something, though it is hopeless, so why do i keep doing this? In the end, everybody will just end up hurting only.

It is a cycle. It is a circle. Unless things changes, we will just coming back to this. Why do we enjoy hurting ourselves despite the fact we know it, we see it coming and we can very easily avoid it? I wouldn't burn the book, but I would want to close the pages and start writing another chapter. It has been in my cupboard and tonight was the first time I really go flip through it and put that part of me to rest. As I lay in the dark, I thought, so how many more must face the swing in moods, the coldness, when they don't deserved it. One by one, day by day, unless the cycle is broken.

There's no telling how far i have fallen. Will I even further? It is certainly in my thoughts. They wouldn't know.
It is actually quite easy. But to cope with it afterward, that does take something which I am not sure I can handle. Blame me if you must. When everything settles, when the radio quietens, and everybody has gone to bed, I will still be there. Searching. Without the friends, without the work, without the computer and other evils, life still goes on. When I am all alone in the freezing guard room, I think of you.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now

Not yet done

2010-04-25T05:43:00.000+08:00

Well. It is that time of the month again. Time to make the April archives and type a seemingly random post.
First up, the boring stuff. Need to clear 4 days of leave by end of May. So although it is mightily unfair to force us to clear leave like that, I guess Weekday Lunch/Movie/etc anyone?

March.

2010-03-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

This is purely for the March archives.

CRY-CIS

2010-02-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

With about 10 mins more to book in, i shall write a post.
And it is not about getting the Feb archives or what.

The past week had been a horrendous one.
So much negative feelings in me.
And i didnt know how to deal with it.
Not really looking forward to booking in now.
But going AWOL won't solve the problem.

To the IHDC outing: I have duty on the 6th, and most likely will bookout about 9 plus on the 5th.
So unless we go for supper, haha.

To the Fly Away outing: Is it really cancelled? Such a waste, such a pity. I was kinda looking forward to the end of this stupid BMT.

To nobody in particular: I am sorry things have to come to this, but i really can't take this from you any longer.

So here's to eating more, sleeping more and going out on weekends more.
Cheers. =)

My coolest friend

2010-01-18T00:16:00.001+08:00

Tng zhen yang will never ever dedicate a post for his best friend here. So being shameless, here i am dedicating a post from him, for me, to myself!

Isn't that awesome?

Okay no zy, this post is just to tell you that i added the tagboard le. Just that in the process of adding the tagboard, i deleted the links. So hahahahahahahahahaha, you gained and lost something! Isn't that like so cool! Something like a life lesson learnt!

I just had to change the title and add a photo for you on your blog. Because you insisted and refused and resisted to budge on facebook. So here's all the revenge at one go! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, now all your friends know you have this psychotic friend. T_T

Whatever lah, you need whatever changes you tell me again. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I can help you with those links again. Just that i don't know your friend's blog. I only know you link to me, pris, yx, yz, hanwei, suxin.. still got who? Aiya, you update me again.

:)

PS: Zy, you do know you can add colours to your blog right?

RAINBOW

I need HELP with tag board

2010-01-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

I cant make the tag board appear there in that blank space next door -->
Help?
Sianz

Ok.I need to shop for CNY clothing. (specs, bag, shoes and whatever else nonsense)
Also need help with that.
Haha..

Another call for help would be:
Han wei, can help me download Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance
=)
better yet, just show me how to do it o.0

I want to go overseas.
You can help me with that too
Who wanna plan?
Lol

I feel not right.
Mid life crisis?
Help. o.0
Hahaha.

Before 9th Mono

2009-11-28T00:40:00.004+08:00

Next year this time, I will either be cursing at SAF with the kangeroos in Australia or I will be organizing Christmas parties like nobodies' business and laughing at my understudies. Next year is like so far away. >.>

So many things have happened in this short space of time. Well, I have told some of you some of the things that has happened. But then, i guessed i am just very bad with time management to meet up with everyone. =(

I am getting a bit tired. And afraid. And sleepy. Haha.
Wish me luck for the mono intake. Hopefully they don't eat me for breakfast.

New Post, new start?

2009-11-08T21:21:00.002+08:00

1) Very sway, first Guard Commander duty and some RSM from dunno wat brigade come and check the guard room le. Totally died on that day.

2) This stupid APSC is very stupid. Why do i need to learn about the role of a Armour Infantry Platoon Sergeant? Yes, I know their life very sad outfield. But to be struck in Gedong, my life saddest for now lor. (WHY CANT I HAVE NIGHTS OUT?)

3) Then why do i have to be cohesion/games OIC, is like i am so anti-social and unfriendly and i have to organize some cohesion? And play sports? Hahaha.. (and twice somemore, and they like to complain about paying $ and refusing to pay me) (and i owe a Master Warrant Officer $100 because of this -_-)

3) Then, the rest of them clearing leave and off or else slacking in camp, while i on course. >.>

4) And the old batch all ORD when i am away. Why like that? Cannot see them ORD. =(

5) And when I return back to camp next monday, I have to do Guard Com. duty again. o.O

6) And then have to return to Tekong to train to get ready for the BMT mono intake. OMG. Infantry days all over again. And i cannot imagine me taking mono intake. >.>

7) I think the pay rise and promotion is not enough to justify all this shit. haha.

*I sound totally childish sia. =)

I Need Help, Lol

2009-10-11T02:22:00.002+08:00

Okay, to do it or not to do it. I could very well be answering the two questions that I have in mind. It is hard not to feel anything because everything just feels so wrong. Let's hope that by writing it down here, I can come to a solution.

Did I really change? I suppose this question, the answer will have to be partially yes. So many people have pointed this out to me since the appointment came and everything. Does what happen in army reflects somewhat of what is going to happen later in life? If so, this is a rather gloomy picture. I don't want to keep increasing the distance between us. This is the bottom of the curve I hope as far as I will ever go. Recently, the strength to go on is just lacking and I really feel like giving up. Although the relevant people have been informed or at least been hinted, I am not sure what would happen if I really press that particular button. Because it has already been quite long, and the damage has already been done and the one thing that it felt so wrong is that I feel that I wasted people's precious time and effort. But, if this is for the greater good in the near future, I am guessing I would still do it. If only, if only, I could have someone to talk to.

The next immediate question I am not at liberty to post about it. But Ken/Poh Choon, what would you do if you were in my shoes now? =/

Fate?

2009-08-11T22:36:00.002+08:00

1. Thank you. You guys know who you are.

2. Anybody got information about blood clots in brain? Or about physiotherapy? Get back to me.

3. Sometimes you cant help but think that it is fate.

a Code

2009-08-02T19:29:00.003+08:00

i got a message

nobody understands but i wanna try
enough is enough
end is near
don't i wish that i was just like everybody else

someone out there
only that i never try
more likely that i don't dare to
ehh, help.. lol
boring life i lead here
on certain days book in book out is already feels like nth
do you feel like this too?
you most likely think that i am crazy =)

to tell you or not
only when i can summon enough guts

unlikely to happen anytime now anyway
not if i can help it
don't wanna be me
even when it comes to this
really sounds like a very emo post
sux doesnt it
that i am always not making sense
and doing things like this
no..
don't go, lets talk...

New Phrase

2009-07-24T23:17:00.002+08:00

40 SAR
Keat Hong Camp
My final resting place
Small, cosy place but very FAR away

Next 2 years will be here
whether good or bad
hopefully i come out in 1 piece
then don't kena many many extras can le

ok maybe i owe Priscilla one
or more lol
and maybe some other people too
but it's a bit late ar

i am nineteen sia
i don't really feel it
army's a bit overwhelming
see how now lor, since in unit le

WHY SO FAR AWAY
but other than that, for now its ok ba
HP6 was disappointing as well
Nights out WEDNESDAY, feel free to ask me out lol
Jurong Point or Lot 1
I sound desperate sia

101

2009-07-17T22:25:00.002+08:00

Ok, first of all, I want to THANK Felicia and Yan Zhi for spending their Thursday and Friday respectively with me. We may not be doing exciting stuff like jumping down the Singapore Flyer or something, but it was fun. Although I think i was sprouting nonsense most of the time.

(Hmmm. But then like that must also thank the ARMY for giving me off on Thursday and letting me book out at 2.30pm on Friday sia. And book in Monday 7.30am. >.>)

So for that I realised that I shouldn't be so DEMANDING. It is only a day. It is just a birthday and it is like any other day. No need to make it until it is the most important day in the 365 days. I realised now, like any other day, I will want to enjoy myself and not sulk away. I have the responsibility not to waste other people's time and efforts, nor to spoil their moods. I have sulk too much in the past 18 years anyway. I shall not be an ungrateful bitch like before.

(I am aware that there are many out there that I should thank too. But being the unappreciative person that I am, and the fact that i know they wouldn't mind, i suppose its okay ba. Haha. I just hope i wouldnt die from eatting too many Famous Amos cookies this week. Then again, it is only once a year. =) )

PS. This is not a sarcastic post.

100 dollars

2009-06-28T20:20:00.004+08:00

Well
I blew about 100 dollars this weekend
A bit too much for my liking sia
Had fun
I supposed
Ha ha

Happy birthday Karina
Going to fly off soon
So exciting
Me super jealous
Its been a long time since i saw the stage ppl

Had fun teasing HW about him crossing over
Not that i don't think he CMI or what

Had fun on Saturday
Its been quite a long while
But everything eat laksa sweat so much until it drops into the gravy...
then continue eating is a bit gross?
Nice already la
I supposed

Then we have Pris's birthday
Cheesecake was very nice
Playing games not bad
Maybe can go on weekday play longer and cheaper too

My favourite moment of the week:
My mother cooked some dessert and i had a bowl
I said her why there were ants inside and she said they were herbs
I thought nothing of it and drank it up
Later at night, when she cook again, she discovered the sugar cubes were infested with ants.
Apparently she had cooked in the late night and didn't see the ants previously
I thanked her for her efforts but wonder why she cook without lights
She said ants are supposed to be good for your health anyway.
=.=

More Ns Stuff

2009-06-06T12:54:00.003+08:00

Zhen Yang
Serving NS currently
=(

Other than bringing in comfort food into camp
Counting down 5 days to book out
Doing area-cleaning over and over again
Trying to make friends with ppl inside
Avoiding agitating the sergeants and more
Disappointed with my physical state
Emo-ing and emo-ing and more emo-ing

Eating sliced fish soup when i am out
Catching up with friends and family
Completing the collection of the McDonald's cups
Deciding whether to enjoy the GSS or not
Trying to read finish HP6
Trying to find more books to read
Sobbing madly when it is book-in day

More meaning in my life.

Before Arti

2009-05-23T23:12:00.002+08:00

The block leave has saddled me with huge financial debts that might spiral out of control.
I really need to learn on how to cut down cost.
Then save up for a PS3?
Must take up 3 jobs to afford Uni next time le. =(

Going into new camp on Monday, for 13 weeks this time.
At least its near, but you never know about the other down/up sides.
I hope we don't have to do any 100km route marches or anything like that.
13 more weeks to a pay rise. -_-

After BSLC

2009-05-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

Well, I got sent to artillery. The good thing is that the camp is a lot nearer this time. And now, we are happily enjoying our block leave. And then, the whole cycle begins again.

Went for the play. Lanteens never go out had a lot of elements that reminded me of SYF sia. Overall, it was nice, being reminded of stage all over again.

I wonder if this is really the last time i would be seeing those guys ever again.

Now off to enjoy my one week break le. Have fun!

PT. Lol.

2009-04-19T02:01:00.000+08:00

Back from field camp. Going for another. Seems like events outside of army are moving quite fast. Stage productions, uni offers, bad interviews, jobs, dislocating shoulders, tests etc. 4 weeks left. Feels kinda bad, this time the section is not as bonded. The mix is just not right? Ha. Ha.

Went out today. Field camps always make you appreciate the outside world like you been in jail for 20 years. May be a bit expensive for my taste. Or it is just that I don't really want to eat deep fried food for now. But all the same, I just went crazy for the night. Had fun? Been couped up inside there suffering for too long.

Project Trying-to-learn-some-skills-to-survive-next-time (PT) is not moving as fast as I would like it to be. Maybe it is due to the field camps. Or i am just lazy. Tried to learn how to iron clothes today. Quite useless at that. Will try again next week. PT is a 2 year project that I try to convince myself that these 2 years is not as wasted as it really is. o.O

I feel stupid once again.

A little time to think

2009-04-12T10:22:00.004+08:00

Haha. I am like going for 3 field camps straight in a row. Its going to be like:

Book in, field camp, book out, book in, field camp, book out, book in, field camp, book out and so on.

And then people are going to tekong. It's going to be fun lor. I wonder if i would be posted back to tekong as a sergeant. Or down pest now, become store man, driver, etc etc. Oh wait, one of those field camps is going to be held in tekong. >.>

And then i must pray that i don't misfire. Grave consequences.
*SOL --> suspension of leave which means on official record and also cant go home for certain amt of days
NS is like full of booby traps to confine you. Like how you have to get 50% and above to not retake the test on a Saturday. (I have a sinking feeling that i may have failed my basic navigation test. So much for being a geography student.) (And the safety test needs 90%.) And get silver for IPPT, if not stay back for remidial training. Or if you take MC and miss important training, stay back on saturday to make up for it. Soon, failing SOC will need remidial training as well.

Oh yea, and if you do stupid stuff like losing this or that, you get confined too. My life very sad sia. =(

Went out with YiXuan on Saturday and we ate a lot. Which is good, considering I wouldn't be eating the field rations (which is cold and slimy) much. Was eating fish head curry, partly because Delifrance was selling their bagetts at $1 instead of $2.40 which happens to be YX's favourite, so please buy him 100 of those things for his birthday.

Anyway, the main point of the story here is that I think I am quite pampererd and thus much unable to take care of myself when the time comes. Which is why when the others tease YX about being ___, I tend not to join in. >.> Every time when eating fish head curry, my parents would deliver the portions straight to our plates. I suppose next time my sisters would have their boyfriends doing it for them. Then what am i suppose to do? lol

So, i must learn how to do certain things myself. It is not just eating the fish. I shall confessed that i only recently tried to learn how to use the washing machine after 19 years, or fold my own clothes. I don't want to continue on the list. It is quite embarrassing. So my dear friends, please try to teach me stuff? lol