There's a nice photo of me here -->
http://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20120205/c4.jpg
Chingay 2012 is finally over, and yes Geraldine, I do feel an empty feeling afterwards. No, it is not because I am hungry. Rather, I didn't expect it to be fun. Not being from hall, this wasn't something I joined to gain points or to organize something for my resume. This was something just from being random and quite reckless back then. Ha. From being awkward, to knowing a few people there, and not caring what happens and just having fun. The last few days of just being high was indeed memorable, and no doubt, these memories will serve me well as I tread through a more difficult semester 2.
We are no longer young. Everything is not as fun as before. Not even K-box. Sometimes, I feel that I can appreciate a hearty lunch with friends more than doing something "special". Time is becoming even more precious. Is this the feeling of being old? Of course, other experiences come along with it. Certain priorities become more important than before. People change, or you just don't know them anymore. And then, I also don't know myself anymore.
And I am only 22 this year. And I am retreating away. I feel the world out there is not worth bursting out into, it will only do its best to hurt you. Okay, that sounded totally like a sad person. It just seems like recently, most of the things I have done, or situations that are happening are not what I desire, foresaw, wanted nor in any good sort of way.
I don't understand people, and people don't understand me. Humans are strange creatures. Animals do what they want according to their desires and instinct. They don't give a damn actually. But for us, every thing has a meaning or desire or motive and we view each other with suspicions or lens crafted from previous experiences that may not be the best fitting for everything. So, suddenly, because the person don't act in according with what the society/majority currently believes in, the person is outcast-ed and ostracized, and becomes a "weirdo". A fodder for gossip and the gel for keeping people together in an "us versus them" scenario. I am guilty sometimes of this. And I do follow the herd's instinct. But why aren't we more aware of this if we know that everyone will fall off the cliff together if we were to run together in a wrong direction?
Of course, understanding comes from talking. But nowadays, when we are talking, are we really talking? Or just saying stuff to pass time, pass the moment and hoping that our lies will not get detected. Most of the time, I guess it is more not saying the things that matter, and making small talk that is really just insignificant rubbish. I am truly saddened and sorry to have lost the connection to some and I am not sure if I can pick up the pieces or even if I want to. (We are wired to protect ourselves, and part of this means to protect ourselves from hurt too.) What a hypocrite right? Ha.
I am sorry for running away. I think these has happened many times. My old friends, I guess you can bear testimonial to this. As much I want to stand and face what is to come, I lack the courage, the confidence and the fear that it may turn out to be worse than before, no, scrap that. I lack the moral courage to do the "right" thing. This was the case in army, in my personnel life, and especially in the past year and months I guess. And then I shall run back to the wired to protect ourselves argument. I am tired. But I also don't know what to do. Perhaps this will turn into "normal" behavior one day. And then, everything will be "normal".
THE END.
I don't think I will blog much anymore, based seeing the low frequency of the past few posts.
I think no more feel for writing on the blog already.
Ha. For my loyal readers, if any, please do SMS me from time to time.
It would make my day, or night, and I will try my best to do the same. :)
